ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
