What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
