I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
