Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
