I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
