My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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