Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
