I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This baby is an asshole
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
