So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize