new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
