I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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