He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
