i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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