And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
