T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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