i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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