My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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