dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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