I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
