3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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