You can't motorboat a personality
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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