I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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