Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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