What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How external is "for external use only"?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
