there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
