hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
