How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
