They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
