we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
