My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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