OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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