i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
