Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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