Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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