she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Church boner. Awkwardddd
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
