I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
