I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
