Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
