On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
