I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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