We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
