I have demons in me.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
