Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
