I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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