Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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