just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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