Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
