guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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