so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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