Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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