Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
