I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
