Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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