Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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