my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
