Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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