If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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