in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
