oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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