She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
