there's paper in my vomit.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
