I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
