There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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