my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
